Thoughts on life

I’m in a pensive mood at the moment. There are so many things I want to say, to scream, to rage and to cheer and yet I stay silent, at least, to the outside.

I’m trying to put into practice what my therapist taught me. I’m working on taking a step back, thinking, making sure Adult Arinarayne is in charge of the boat, not the sulky child and not the towering authoritarian (though she is very useful in a crisis or breaking up fights.). Therapy, incidentally, has changed and I’m going to be as bold as to say, saved my life. Saved. My. Life.

It was CAT therapy (no felines were harmed in the making of this), facilitated by the NHS, and I’d waited over 14 months for it. When it came, it was well worth the wait. My therapist both challenged and supported me, allowed me to focus on things that mattered to me (there is a tendency amongst some of the therapeutic community to get hung up on childhood sexual abuse – OTHER CRAP MESSES ME UP TOO. Ahem. What I mean to say, I am more than a CSA survivor, and my problems reflect that.). She got me to recast myself in a different way and turned me into the director of my own drama, rather than an actor swept up in it, or an audience member watching. It has been thrilling, liberating, terrifying and beautiful all at once – mostly it’s been bloody hard work. I’ve grown and it has been one of my greatest achievements.

Leading on from that, I have also been seen by the medical obesity services. I am finally in a place where – having confronted the fact I am a food addict amongst other things, see earlier blog – I can now accept the help they offer and am willing to do whatever it takes to help my body be healthy. We are now nearing the end of December ad I have not binge eaten since June/July. This puts me at a massive advantage to others on the same journey, and this too has been a side effect of CAT. I still have other food eating issues, but bingeing is no longer part of my life. Considering I have been bulimic from the age of twelve, this is also a massive achievement, even if it was a side effect.

My biggest task right now? Eat breakfast every day. I am a routine breakfast Skipper – this must change. This journey back to health is multifaceted and lifestyle changing – this is step one. So far, I am on track!

I also want to make one thing absolutely clear. I LOVE MY LUMPS, BUMPS, SCARS AND WOBBLY BITS. They make me the woman I am and I am not ashamed of them or embarrassed by them. I love them. They are the story of my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright deadly. I do not want a flat stomach, perfect thighs and whatever else the current trends are. If I were healthy at the weight I am, I wouldn’t change a thing? I love myself and my body more now than when I was the appropriate weight for my height. Back then I was convinced I was ugly. I was a desperate teenager in the grips of a need to be perfect who was throwing up her dinners like no tomorrow. I wish I had known then what I know now, though it took me the path I took to get here. I am the sum of my experiences and on the whole, I’m doing a -retry good job of being me. I’m getting help from the weight loss specialists because I need help, and I am okay admitting that now. It is a road back to health, nothing more or less – and anyone who doesn’t like that or thinks I should be striving for some image? Screw you.

That’s enough of my ramblings for the moment while I go back to bed – I’ll muse more later! Xox

I am an addict

Here I am, on my own wights loss journey, once again. I have a goal, to lost enough weight to safely horse-ride again, on a trip I’m hoping to take next year with my dad. As a self identifying fat chick, fat girl, fat woman, fat person, whatever, but fat (which is an okay word for me, it’s accurate), I am learning about myself and about my food problems. I managed to watch ‘Addicted to Food’ on Netflix (well worth a watch) and, as a result, I have words I can finally say.

I am an addict.

Not words I ever thought I’d say, I’ll be honest. Coming off a prescription drug habit was nothing in comparison to the montumental task facing me around food addiction. As I get further into my own recovery however I will, this time, armed with more knowledge, self acceptance, self love and a cracking therapist, be able to have more longterm success.

This weight loss endeavour is not about being thin. This is the honest to goodness lifestyle change people laud, the quest for health. My body may be a temple to Dyonisus, but it is a temple none the less – I already love it. I suspect nearly dying twice last year made me realise quite how much I have to be greatful for.

Anyway, a fellow fat – though now decidedly less so – friend and I were chatting. She has been on an amazing journey, she has worked her socks off and she is my inspiration. As much as I have a medical staff keeping both eyes firmly on me, she is my peer support and rock – so I thought I’d give her a guest spot in my blog. Weightloss is going to figure in my blog, as part of my relating to myself and the world, so you may very well be hearing from Jade again! I’m certainly not done talking on the subject. Without further ado, here is the lady herself!!!

“Loosing weight sucks. It really does. Its fucking hard. Sometimes every minute is a battle. This past few days I’ve been battling each minute and earlier on today I lost that battle. I ate foods that are off plan knowing exactly what I was doing and hating myself for doing it even as each tasty morsel passed my lips. And loosing makes me feel weak, and feeling weak makes me want to eat. I just want to eat and eat untill these feelings go away. It feels like a weight is crushing my chest and the only way to fight it is to expand myself out like filling up a baloon. But every baloon can only fill so far…and since I’ve been eating less my stomach has shrunk so much. The last time I had an off plan day I felt so sick that a barely slept. My stomach just couldnt cope. I wanted to throw up to make the pain go away but bullemia has never been my beast to fight. I retain food because food manages my feelings better than I can…better than anyone else can either. People let me down. If you want get deep, my parents weren’t there for me as a child. Now I’ve come to terms with the fact it simultaneously is and isnt their fault. They did what they could with what they had and keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table trumped being there for every emotional situation. But still…the little girl inside me learned that food would always be there. For every celebration, every commiseration, every anxiety and every tear there was food. I don’t know what emotion I’ve been fighting this past few days…thats the problem really…how do you fight something you cant see? But whatever it is i gave in and ate on it. Im not going to win every battle…no one wins them all. But as my dad likes to quote Rocky “Its not about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep fighting”. Every new minute a new fight begins. Every minute, every meal I dont eat off plan, every time I fight past my emotions I win and its been 13 months with more victories than losses. Approximately 70lbs worth of victories to be fair! Thats no mean feat…I could have lost more in that time. I dont like to dwell on “ifs” but if I didnt suffer with binge eating, if I hadnt had 2 months off recovering from a cervical operation and 2 months off with a seriously stubborn flu/cold/cough thing, if I focussed on cardio instead if weight training… Theres alot of ifs but the one that really gets me is “if I took my weight loss seriously” because in spite of all the genuine reasons I didn’t do as well as I’d like, I can hold my hands up and say there were too many times I just couldnt be bothered to try harder. At least now that isn’t the case, I’m trying my damned hardest. I’m working out 5 times a week and eating healthy 99% of the time. In fact I’ve had only 2 really unhealthy days in the past 5 weeks, and 2 not ideal days including today. I’m pretty hard on myself sometimes but thats impressive! I preach to anyone who will listen that the most important thing to loosing this weight has been learning to forgive myself when i do slip up. Doesn’t matter if its one meal, one day, a weekend, a week…just pick up, dust off and get back on with it. Sometimes I need to be better at listening to my own advice.”

Jade, I love you. You’re an inspiration and an unwavering supporter on this crazy journey. ❤

More to follow soon!