Thoughts on life

I’m in a pensive mood at the moment. There are so many things I want to say, to scream, to rage and to cheer and yet I stay silent, at least, to the outside.

I’m trying to put into practice what my therapist taught me. I’m working on taking a step back, thinking, making sure Adult Arinarayne is in charge of the boat, not the sulky child and not the towering authoritarian (though she is very useful in a crisis or breaking up fights.). Therapy, incidentally, has changed and I’m going to be as bold as to say, saved my life. Saved. My. Life.

It was CAT therapy (no felines were harmed in the making of this), facilitated by the NHS, and I’d waited over 14 months for it. When it came, it was well worth the wait. My therapist both challenged and supported me, allowed me to focus on things that mattered to me (there is a tendency amongst some of the therapeutic community to get hung up on childhood sexual abuse – OTHER CRAP MESSES ME UP TOO. Ahem. What I mean to say, I am more than a CSA survivor, and my problems reflect that.). She got me to recast myself in a different way and turned me into the director of my own drama, rather than an actor swept up in it, or an audience member watching. It has been thrilling, liberating, terrifying and beautiful all at once – mostly it’s been bloody hard work. I’ve grown and it has been one of my greatest achievements.

Leading on from that, I have also been seen by the medical obesity services. I am finally in a place where – having confronted the fact I am a food addict amongst other things, see earlier blog – I can now accept the help they offer and am willing to do whatever it takes to help my body be healthy. We are now nearing the end of December ad I have not binge eaten since June/July. This puts me at a massive advantage to others on the same journey, and this too has been a side effect of CAT. I still have other food eating issues, but bingeing is no longer part of my life. Considering I have been bulimic from the age of twelve, this is also a massive achievement, even if it was a side effect.

My biggest task right now? Eat breakfast every day. I am a routine breakfast Skipper – this must change. This journey back to health is multifaceted and lifestyle changing – this is step one. So far, I am on track!

I also want to make one thing absolutely clear. I LOVE MY LUMPS, BUMPS, SCARS AND WOBBLY BITS. They make me the woman I am and I am not ashamed of them or embarrassed by them. I love them. They are the story of my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright deadly. I do not want a flat stomach, perfect thighs and whatever else the current trends are. If I were healthy at the weight I am, I wouldn’t change a thing? I love myself and my body more now than when I was the appropriate weight for my height. Back then I was convinced I was ugly. I was a desperate teenager in the grips of a need to be perfect who was throwing up her dinners like no tomorrow. I wish I had known then what I know now, though it took me the path I took to get here. I am the sum of my experiences and on the whole, I’m doing a -retry good job of being me. I’m getting help from the weight loss specialists because I need help, and I am okay admitting that now. It is a road back to health, nothing more or less – and anyone who doesn’t like that or thinks I should be striving for some image? Screw you.

That’s enough of my ramblings for the moment while I go back to bed – I’ll muse more later! Xox

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